I love my job!!

I just have to say, being a teacher IS what I wanted to be when I grew up. I love teaching, I love interacting with the teenagers and I love the learning opportunities I get to participate in!

I just got back from the field trip portion of a class I'm taking in the SciencePlus program at BYU. It is a grant-funded program that teaches science teachers how to use the inquiry-based teaching method in their classrooms. They way they do this, is by modeling the procedure during a week long field trip in one of two places--the Great Basin or the Colorado Plateau. I chose the Great Basin this year. We participated in inquiry-based activities all week between Rock Canyon in Provo UT to Baker NV. We looked at plant and lichen growth and we looked at rock and mountain formation. I've got the botany part down--a part of life-science that I love and have no problem with. But, I never, ever knew that geology could be so cool! I am just amazed with everything that conspired to make the mountains and landforms what they are today. Wow.

Here's a link to the photos I took during the trip.

Science Plus Great Basin 2010

As I drove home from Deseret Peak the other day, I was looking at the mountains behind my house an was just in awe of the beauty I never noticed before I took that class. I'm very, very excited for the geology class I'm scheduled to take in August for my Environmental Sciences endorsement. Rocks and mountains cool? Who knew?

I'll also be taking a Desert Ecology class in Moab the end of June. That will be very fun, too!

On a sad note, I was asked to speak in church this coming Sunday (Father's Day). Not sure why they would ask me, but I burst into tears and told them that there was no way I could speak. I have been dreading this coming Sunday since, well, the day my father passed away in March. Hopefully, I'll be able to keep my composure sitting in the church meeting listening to others. I'll just have to make this holiday this year about my husband and what a wonderful father he is to our kids. Maybe next year I'll be able to reflect on my own father.

Doing better....

Tears are less frequent, but still abundant at certain times: The Firsts. The first Mother's Day without him. My first birthday without him. We're in for a whole year of firsts, but those firsts will happen when we are all together as a family, so it won't sting quite as much.

For my birthday weekend, I went to a preparatory class for the class I'm taking in the Great Basin. This week-long class is through BYU and will entail going to various locations from the Wasatch Front clear to Baker, NV. We will be collecting rocks, collecting and pressing plants and collecting fossils while learning how to be an inquiry-based science teacher (a method of guiding the students to form their own questions and/or asking them questions to engage them in the science topics we'll be teaching).

Anyway, I was at this prep class and by the time it was over I was getting very overwhelmed at all we'll need to do during that week, all that we'll need to make sure we have with us packed in a day pack all the reading and note taking we'll need to do before we go (8 chapters!). Add to that, the next day was my birthday. A year after the four of us spontaneously decided to call my parents and drop in on them for my birthday. They were so excited! My dad went out and bought a cake and grilled delicious hamburgers. It was such a wonderful time. But, this year, he wasn't there. Not in person anyway. The only ray of sunshine in that day was the fact that right after the class, I was going to my mom's. Just me....no kiddoes :) I was able to cry and we talked and laughed and ate dinner. We talked and laughed some more and I went grocery shopping for her. Then, we talked and laughed some more. It was wonderful!

The next day (my actual birthday) was Stake Conference. What a wonderful meeting. The last speaker was Elder Robert D. Hales. He spoke about families. Something that I'm so grateful for: My immediate family consisting of my husband and kids. The family I was born into--Mom, Dad and brother. My extended family consisting of my brother's wife and their kids, my husband's brothers and their families. My father-in-law. My eternal family consisting of those loved ones on the other side. It reminded me how blessed that I am to have the gospel in my life and how even though life is different now and seemingly not normal without my dad, I can see how it can considered a "new normal". I've got time to build so many more memories with my mom. My kids can build more memories with their grandma. She is so, so excited about having her back surgery so that she'll no longer be in pain and will be able to do so much more with her grandkids. I think we're all going to be ok.

Oh, and my birthday present arrived today. I think I can look at with without tearing up too much. It's my first Willow Tree figurine and it's called "Father and Daughter--Celebrating the bond of love between fathers and daughters." On second thought....I am getting teary. But, it's ok. Kind of happy tears. Happy that I do have this bond of love that has lasted 43 years so far. :)

Tears on Sunday....

Today was yet another tearful Sunday at church for me. I've been melancholy all weekend (probably started when I realized that on Friday it had been one month since my dad died). It just came to a head in sacrament meeting at church when one hymn mentioned eternal life ("How Great Thou Art") and the other happened to be the hymn I sang at the funeral ("Our Savior's Love"). I was a tearful mess. So, I sat outside of the Sunday school room and tried to dry my tears and ended up receiving a TON of hugs from various sisters as they passed me on their way to class. Lots of understanding from sisters who had lost their own parent. A really good talk and more hugs from another sister.

Missing my dad terribly, missing what he will be missing out on (or rather what I'll be missing out on by not being able to witness him see exciting or even mundane things happening in our family). I know in my heart that he'll be able to see Chloe's soccer games, Jared and Chloe's school program about Utah, Jared receiving his Arrow of Light, Mom and I singing in their sacrament meeting after she is healed from her back surgery. But, it will be tough not seeing him enjoy it, KWIM?

I'll be ok. I know this is all normal. Just another stage of grief I'm going through.

Love and Family.....

Well, I've been through all of the stages of grief, several times over the last few weeks. Dad's funeral was on Saturday the 10th. I made it. I sang "Our Savior's Love" with a voice that had been recovering from something close to laryngitis. The only thing was I kind of "squeaked" when I hit the D and the E. But, it was ok. I'm glad I didn't sing my mom's choice of songs---"O My Father" and "I Know That My Redeemer Lives". She put those on the program and I definitely cried through those. Couldn't have sung those as a solo.

My brother gave a talk about our dad's life and what he did for us and others. The 3 oldest grandkids (J and C included) all gave talks about their memories of Grampa. The oldest also gave his little sister's memories. So, so sweet. The two boys, J who is 10 and my brother's oldest, K who is 11, seemed to stand vigil around Grampa's casket. They were always together and they were always right there during the final viewing before the funeral and at the cemetery. My mom noticed how they were hanging out there, too. It was just sweet to watch them.

The graveside service was beautiful. My dad served in the National Guard and was active to quell the riots in Detroit in '67 (I think that was the year). That made him eligible for military rites--21 gun salute, Taps, flag on his casket that was presented to my mom. Very, very cool to watch. My husband dedicated his grave. It was very emotional for him, but he did a wonderful job.

It was neat seeing family friends that I haven't seen in ages, but it made me so sad--especially when this one couple came because they had just returned home from their mission 4 days after my dad died. They were really, really close to my parents when we lived in Michigan and had only been in Utah a few years before they left on their mission.

What was really neat was having all of my cousins in my mom's living room at the same time after the funeral and luncheon. I have six first cousins....2 on Dad's side, and 4 on Mom's. It was so wonderful visiting with them. Three aunts and two uncles were also there. I loved talking with them and having them get to know my kids better.

Only my immediate family are members of the Church--parents, brother and his family and my family. I wonder what my relatives thought of the funeral? LDS funerals are sooooo different than funerals in other churches.

I think I'm doing ok....I can't believe how much I'm going to miss my dad. It's hardest at night, but sometimes when I'm having a hard time, his smiling face just pops up in my mind. One time, I even imagined how his voice sounded as he would give me a father's blessing. That is pretty comforting.

The biggest thing I'm worried about is my mom. How she's (or "we're") going to figure out the finances. How she's going to take care of the house while I'm at school. I'm grateful for my brother and his wife because they are close--only about 10-15 minutes away. They'll probably be doing a lot of the work. I'll be able to help during the summers though.

Something I though of recently...the other day a huge plane filled with leaders from Poland crashed a few days ago. My dad is of Polish heritage. I wonder if he'll be one of the missionaries that gets to teach those people? It seemed like he was in quite a hurry to get there. Maybe that's one of the reasons.

This is so hard!

I am really having a hard time with this. I feel like I need to see a counselor or something. I feel so debilitated by my grief. Is this normal? I have no idea. My heart is so, so broken. It hurts. Maybe part of it is the fact that I feel the burden now of taking care of my mom (she has severe back problems and she was supposed to have surgery next week to have some vertebrae fused). My brother and his wife are closer distance-wise than I am. But as the oldest, I think that is why I'm feeling the burden.

I told my mom that I wanted to sing, but she was hoping that I'd give a talk. I don't think I could get through a talk, but somehow I think I can get through a song?? I can't even thing of what song I want to sing.

'til We Meet Again....

Apologies to Liahni, as this is a copy and paste from the message I wrote to you. I just couldn't figure out a better way to write it than what I wrote to you. :)

My dad passed away Tuesday night with the grandkids holding his hands, and the rest of us all around him. We were all there and it was a sweet, but sad experience. Oh....and it happened to be the anniversary of when we were sealed together as a family on 3/30/78 in the Washington DC temple. We think he did that on purpose. :) His funeral will most likely be next Friday (not this coming Friday) to give his family more time to make arrangements to get here.

We got there in plenty of time. His numbers were doing pretty good and staying pretty constant for a couple of hours, so after Mandi and the kids got back from eating in the cafeteria, Thom and my mom went down and Bill and I were going to go next. Well, about 5 minutes after they left, his numbers started dropping quite steadily. We saw what was happening and I called my brother and told them to come back up quickly. The rest of us gathered around him---Jared and Kaden holding one hand and Chloe the other. Little Kailey was just sitting watching things happen. Things slowed way down. Mandi said she could feel the spirit sooooo strong. We all could--so thick and tangible. Mom and my brother got there just as his heart beat for the last few times. Such a sweet, sweet experience.

I'm still fighting such feelings of deep disappointment that he can no longer be with our family. But, I know this is where he needs to be. This was confirmed when their Stake President came and talked to us at their house. He gave my dad a blessing. Not necessarily a release, but a blessing that said things that my mom interpreted that could go either in this life or the next. What he didn't share then but did today, was that as he was beginning the blessing, he felt very, very strongly that my dad had already left his body and he could feel his spirit there. I was praying for a confirmation Sunday night that we were doing the right thing, "letting him go" and not prolonging his life artificially. That confirmation was given to me tonight. So, yeah, I'm at peace but will miss him sooooo badly.

Thank you all for continued thoughts and prayers for our family.

A few more days....

My dad just has a few more days left on Earth. The damage to his brain due the several strokes he had following his heart attack was just too severe. His kidneys and heart were left more damaged than we realized as well.

Looking back, I did have premonitions. Last Christmas, I made sure to capture my dad dressed as Santa on camera as he handed out the jammies and fleece blankets that the grandkids get every Christmas. When I went to the movies the weekend before last with my parents, I thought that as I kissed him goodbye, it may be the last time.

We think he knew, too. He was working double time to get things done. Mom told him to slow down, and that he was retired, but just kept plugging along. Several years ago, he painted "Kneeling Santa" figurines for my brother and I and my mom. He was in a real hurry this last year, to get 4 more completed--one for each of his grandkids.

I though I feel at peace (sort of) and understand that this must be, I'm still so, so incredibly disappointed that he won't be able have a long happy retirement with my mom (he hasn't even been retired for a year yet), that he won't be able to take the grandkids on any more fishing trips, or hold them and tease them. I was also feeling feelings of anger last night. Anger at the whole situation.

They will be moving him to a hospice room today and tomorrow we'll be able to take the kiddoes up there to have them say goodbye. They think that he can breathe on his own without the ventilator, so they will try to remove that so the kids don't have to see that. Even though he can breathe on his own, his other organs won't be able to support him for more than a few days.

I'm grateful for the time that we had with him, but terribly sad and disappointed that he will be leaving us so soon.

Thank you again for all of your love, thoughts and prayers.

Not knowing is the worst...

That is absolutely the worst thing about this situation. We plain don't know. We don't know what to tell the kids. We tell the kids that we don't know. We don't know what to think ourselves. We don't know if Dad is in there somewhere. We just don't know. Jared says all that he wants is for Grampa to open his eyes. We didn't tell him that he did yesterday, because I think that would give him false hopes. Ugh. Ugh. Ugh.

Tomorrow, we are having a family meeting with all of his doctors and they will lay out all of the options, including one that I can live with (bringing him home--the doctors told my mom today that that was a possibility) and others that I don't even want to think about right now, but obviously are possibilities. Ugh. I don' t know what is best.

I am going to hang out at the hospital with him by myself before I go to my moms so I can talk to him and hopefully get some inspiration. My mom had a blessing in which she was told that she and the doctors would be able to make the best decision regarding my dad. The meeting with my mom, my brother and Mandi will be sometime Monday afternoon, as soon as they figure out when all the docs can meet.

Please pray that we'll be able to make the correct decision.

What a rollercoaster of emotions today....

I went from being hopeful, to dissolving in tears, to anger, to tears and finally hopeful--just before I go to sleep tonight.

My brother called me after they got back from visiting my dad. While they were there, when they were suctioning my dad's ventilator tube, he grimaced like crazy and even opened his eyes a bit. Then, after the nurse left, Thom and Mandi started talking to him. As soon as they started talking, again he opened his eyes. Not enough to focus on them, but he opened his eyes. And, they even thought they perceived his mouth trying to move. He's obviously not on anyone's timetable but his own, and he'll do stuff when he's good and ready, it seems. I'm taking this as a positive sign.

My mom's bishop also told her and reassured her that that the brain is a very resilient organ and just because Dad isn't responding to the "average" timetable to not count him out just yet.

I think I'll sleep better tonight. :)

An update, but different than my most recent Facebook update...

I think my mom isn't hearing what the nurses are telling her when she calls for updates. Today, I reposted a status update from her Facebook onto my own profile, then I called the nurse to get specifics. Where my mom said, "...responding a bit to commands" the nurse said, "no, not at all". He is coughing a bit more with being 100% off of the sedation medications, and responding more to painful stimuli, these are only brain-stem reflexes. Nothing purposeful, or hearing a command, processing it in his brain and following though with it.

Yes, he's been only off of the sedation for 3 hours when we had the updates and because his kidneys aren't working properly it could take him a few hours to completely clear it from his system, I can't help but be concerned by the blood clots in the front and back of his brain.

She's grasping at every tiny thread of hope and yes, the fact that he's responding, even if they are just brain-stem reflexes is a bit better than he was doing yesterday. The whole "not knowing" anything just stinks. And that's what I'm having the hardest time with. On one hand, I want to prepare myself for life without him, but on the other hand, he's still "here" and I want so bad to hope for the best. But, this is in Heavenly Father's hands. When my dad's mission is through, then it is through. I just hope it doens't have to be just now.

The next few days we'll be able to know more, I think.

I saw my dad today....

It's 1am, just got back from hanging out with my mom and visiting my dad. I was anxious all morning to go down there to see him, but scared at what I might see. I was used to the tubes, wires and whatnot. That wasn't worrying me. I was worried about him not being able to respond. I called the hospital last night for an update and they said that although they can get a pain response in his feet, they aren't getting success with his arms. Then they said they were going to do a CT scan to see if they could tell what they were dealing with. Yikes. That freaked me out. A lot. They said they'd have the results in the morning. I wanted to get down to the hospital to be with my mom when they gave her the results of the scan. I wanted to be there for her, yet I was stalling, afraid to find out myself.

I finally made it down there and my mom told me that he has some clots in his brain. Not big, not small, but average size, I guess. There's one in the front, one in the back. Quite common after all he's been through with his heart.

But, they have been lowering the sedative gradually. He started out at 60 micrograms and now he's down to 15 (they bumped him up to 20 at night because he was struggling against the ventilator).

While I was there, I watched them insert the nasal feeding tube. Boy, was he grimacing with that! Furrowing his eyebrows and wiggling his feet. My mom and I were talking about stuff while they were working on him. Then, after they had gone, I held his hand and talked to him. Maybe it was my imagination, but I really think his hand slowly closed around mine. Sort of how a baby will grasp your finger if you place it in the palm of their hand. I tried this with my big 10 year old son a few months ago, and it still works with him too. Maybe its a reflex thing, maybe he knew it was me. It is almost an imperceptible slight pressure. I noticed the same thing when my husband was coming out of sedation after his heart attack.

Another interesting thing that my mom noticed was that he doesn't do his foot thing (wiggling it, like I mentioned a few posts ago) when she's not there. As soon as she's there and starts talking to the nurses, his foot starts moving. We're both pretty confident now that he must be aware of who is there with him. She's going to read to him tomorrow when she visits. Oh, and about the no reactions to pain in his arms? My mom noticed that he'd flinch when they'd give him his insulin shot in his arm.

I've sort of been a mess all day yesterday and all day today. But, right now, I'm feeling ok. My mom is handling things so well because she refuses to "go there" with her thoughts. She undertands that because of the clots, he may have his vision affected, his memory and emotions as well. But, she said she can deal with that. She just takes it one hour at a time and revels in the little positive things she sees and hears about from the nurses. That is what I need to start doing. It's just that I was so expecting things to follow the exact same pattern with my dad as they did with Bill. But, I was reminded that Bill was 25 years younger when his heart attack happened and it will take a bit longer for my dad to bounce back.

It really, really did me a lot of good to see him today. I'll be going back next week. I'm glad it is Spring break so I am able to do this.

Another non-update....

He has been taken off of the hypothermia protocol and allowed to warm up. He has been taken off of the sedation, but has not woken up yet. I've been googling and found that it can take 3 days or more to wake up from sedation after a heart attack. I believe that it has been about 6 hours since the sedation was stopped. So, we wait and pray.

One more update...

A reassuring tidbit that I found out earlier today: My mom said that when my dad is falling asleep, or going through his sleep/dream cycles at night, his leg twitches. He has done this forever she said. She noticed that while he's still sedated (not paralyzed, like I thought), he's doing his leg thing. So normal. She witnessed this earlier today when she sat with him in his room.

And yet another piece of encouraging news....he was responding to stimuli--being poked and what not, and he's fluttering his eyes as if he's trying to wake up, but can't because he has to still be sedated because of the cold protocol. But, that is encouraging and is helping us to be able to sleep at night. :)

Dad Update...

Pretty much a non-update still, but that's ok. When I called this morning, they said they were able to get him onto the hypothermia protocol well within the window of time that they needed to. They did the heart catheterization thing to find the blockage and repair it with a stent. They did find that his lungs were absolutely full of fluid and said that when the heart is compromised like during a heart attack, you are more succeptible to pneumonia. So, they are treating it like MRSA (methyl resistant staphylococcus aureus---the really, really nasty bacteria that's hard to treat) and hitting it with the toughest antibiotics they've got.

So, after the cath lab procedure, they sedated him and gave him something to paralyze him so that he wouldn't shiver during the hypothermia protocol. The way they do it at this hospital is to put chilled fluid directly into his veins. His body temperature was lowered to 33 degrees celsius within a short period of time. The cooled state of the body buys the organs extra time to heal from being deprived from oxygen. They paralyze him to keep him from shivering because shivering raises the body temperature.

After he has been "cold" for 24 hours, they will begin to try to wake him. This process should start about 4am Thursday morning. If they can bring him out of unconsciousness, he will likely start responding about 4 hours later, I believe.

He got a priesthood blessing last night that blessed him with the strength to deal with the ordeal. Through this blessing we were all also blessed with strength and comfort.

So, that's it for now. I'll update as soon as I know more. Thank you so much for your prayers. They have really, really helped. I feel calm and comforted right now. A bit worried because I'm not sure how this will turn out, but I'm not freaking out outright just now. :)

If you could not mention it on my FB wall for now, that would be great.

Pleading....

I'm pleading with my Heavenly Father right now and hoping that if it is His will, my earthly father's life will be spared for a little while longer. My dad had another heart attack today. The scenario was similar to Bill's heart attack almost 2 years ago, except he didn't collapse at home, he collapsed in the emergency room. He became unconscious and they had to do chest compressions, my mom said. They did an angiogram and found a blockage, but tomorrow they'll run an echocardiogram to see the extent of the damage. They were a bit concerned that he didn't wake up right away after the procedure, but they are doing hypothermic therapy where they circulate cold fluid through his veins to keep his body temperature cool so that his brain can heal. Because his heart stopped (the reason they were doing compressions), his brain was deprived of oxygen. They have no way of knowing the extent of his anoxic brain injury at this point. They will have to wait for him to regain consciousness.

My sister-in-law Mandi had to call me to tell me the news and it was so hard on her. That isn't the type of news you want to have to deliver to anyone. She said that while she initially got the information from my mom, her son Kaden was standing right there and heard everything. It really shook him up. I don't want to have to tell my kids, either. My parents made it a goal to be the best grandparents, ever and they have totally exceeded this goal. Their grandkids love them so, so, so much. They live for weekend sleepovers to be with them. Weeklong sleepovers are treat to revel in.

Right now, I feel like I want to throw up, but I can't. My heart is stuck in my throat. My knees feel weak. I'm worried because of the thought that crossed my mind today at about 4:30. We saw an ambulance rushing north. Since Bill's dad lives north of us in Erda my thoughts immediately turned to him. I thought, I hope he's ok, but if he's not we'll be able to have the funeral during spring break. Writing this down seems like a very selfish thought. It is so stressful for me to have to get a substitute teacher. I was extremely grateful that Bill's mom's funeral was during a Thanksgiving break. I was also thinking all last week how important it was that I be able to go to a movie with my parents this past Saturday, you know, "just in case". Since he was so sick with cellulitis, kidney problems and a mild heart attack the middle of February, the feeling that he may not be with us very long has been forefront on my mind. I hate that feeling. I hate the "premonitions" I seem to get. I really, really hope these weren't premonitions.

I'm not sure if anyone reads my blog anymore, but if you do happen to read this, could you spare a prayer for my dad?

Getting excited for summer...

I'm now a little more than halfway through the school year. I guess it's about time I posted some stuff! This year is still going well! This time of the year is great because I really, really like the stuff I'm teaching. In biology, we're going to touch a little bit on the some of the kingdoms in nature as well as some specific classes (arthropods, reptiles, amphibians, etc). We'll be doing dissections and other fun stuff. In Earth Systems, we'll be delving into ecology and ecosystems a bit, some oceanography and other topics on water and maybe geology, if we have time.

The reason I'm soooo excited for summer is that I'll be taking some week-long classes (8-5, or longer) to get my environmental science endorsement. I've signed up for a geology one at the U of U and an ecology one in Moab. Fun! I've also signed up for an inquiry-based teaching class through BYU in which we'll explore the Great Basin. Hopefully, I'll be accepted into all three!