I saw my dad today....

It's 1am, just got back from hanging out with my mom and visiting my dad. I was anxious all morning to go down there to see him, but scared at what I might see. I was used to the tubes, wires and whatnot. That wasn't worrying me. I was worried about him not being able to respond. I called the hospital last night for an update and they said that although they can get a pain response in his feet, they aren't getting success with his arms. Then they said they were going to do a CT scan to see if they could tell what they were dealing with. Yikes. That freaked me out. A lot. They said they'd have the results in the morning. I wanted to get down to the hospital to be with my mom when they gave her the results of the scan. I wanted to be there for her, yet I was stalling, afraid to find out myself.

I finally made it down there and my mom told me that he has some clots in his brain. Not big, not small, but average size, I guess. There's one in the front, one in the back. Quite common after all he's been through with his heart.

But, they have been lowering the sedative gradually. He started out at 60 micrograms and now he's down to 15 (they bumped him up to 20 at night because he was struggling against the ventilator).

While I was there, I watched them insert the nasal feeding tube. Boy, was he grimacing with that! Furrowing his eyebrows and wiggling his feet. My mom and I were talking about stuff while they were working on him. Then, after they had gone, I held his hand and talked to him. Maybe it was my imagination, but I really think his hand slowly closed around mine. Sort of how a baby will grasp your finger if you place it in the palm of their hand. I tried this with my big 10 year old son a few months ago, and it still works with him too. Maybe its a reflex thing, maybe he knew it was me. It is almost an imperceptible slight pressure. I noticed the same thing when my husband was coming out of sedation after his heart attack.

Another interesting thing that my mom noticed was that he doesn't do his foot thing (wiggling it, like I mentioned a few posts ago) when she's not there. As soon as she's there and starts talking to the nurses, his foot starts moving. We're both pretty confident now that he must be aware of who is there with him. She's going to read to him tomorrow when she visits. Oh, and about the no reactions to pain in his arms? My mom noticed that he'd flinch when they'd give him his insulin shot in his arm.

I've sort of been a mess all day yesterday and all day today. But, right now, I'm feeling ok. My mom is handling things so well because she refuses to "go there" with her thoughts. She undertands that because of the clots, he may have his vision affected, his memory and emotions as well. But, she said she can deal with that. She just takes it one hour at a time and revels in the little positive things she sees and hears about from the nurses. That is what I need to start doing. It's just that I was so expecting things to follow the exact same pattern with my dad as they did with Bill. But, I was reminded that Bill was 25 years younger when his heart attack happened and it will take a bit longer for my dad to bounce back.

It really, really did me a lot of good to see him today. I'll be going back next week. I'm glad it is Spring break so I am able to do this.