Doing better....

Tears are less frequent, but still abundant at certain times: The Firsts. The first Mother's Day without him. My first birthday without him. We're in for a whole year of firsts, but those firsts will happen when we are all together as a family, so it won't sting quite as much.

For my birthday weekend, I went to a preparatory class for the class I'm taking in the Great Basin. This week-long class is through BYU and will entail going to various locations from the Wasatch Front clear to Baker, NV. We will be collecting rocks, collecting and pressing plants and collecting fossils while learning how to be an inquiry-based science teacher (a method of guiding the students to form their own questions and/or asking them questions to engage them in the science topics we'll be teaching).

Anyway, I was at this prep class and by the time it was over I was getting very overwhelmed at all we'll need to do during that week, all that we'll need to make sure we have with us packed in a day pack all the reading and note taking we'll need to do before we go (8 chapters!). Add to that, the next day was my birthday. A year after the four of us spontaneously decided to call my parents and drop in on them for my birthday. They were so excited! My dad went out and bought a cake and grilled delicious hamburgers. It was such a wonderful time. But, this year, he wasn't there. Not in person anyway. The only ray of sunshine in that day was the fact that right after the class, I was going to my mom's. Just me....no kiddoes :) I was able to cry and we talked and laughed and ate dinner. We talked and laughed some more and I went grocery shopping for her. Then, we talked and laughed some more. It was wonderful!

The next day (my actual birthday) was Stake Conference. What a wonderful meeting. The last speaker was Elder Robert D. Hales. He spoke about families. Something that I'm so grateful for: My immediate family consisting of my husband and kids. The family I was born into--Mom, Dad and brother. My extended family consisting of my brother's wife and their kids, my husband's brothers and their families. My father-in-law. My eternal family consisting of those loved ones on the other side. It reminded me how blessed that I am to have the gospel in my life and how even though life is different now and seemingly not normal without my dad, I can see how it can considered a "new normal". I've got time to build so many more memories with my mom. My kids can build more memories with their grandma. She is so, so excited about having her back surgery so that she'll no longer be in pain and will be able to do so much more with her grandkids. I think we're all going to be ok.

Oh, and my birthday present arrived today. I think I can look at with without tearing up too much. It's my first Willow Tree figurine and it's called "Father and Daughter--Celebrating the bond of love between fathers and daughters." On second thought....I am getting teary. But, it's ok. Kind of happy tears. Happy that I do have this bond of love that has lasted 43 years so far. :)

Tears on Sunday....

Today was yet another tearful Sunday at church for me. I've been melancholy all weekend (probably started when I realized that on Friday it had been one month since my dad died). It just came to a head in sacrament meeting at church when one hymn mentioned eternal life ("How Great Thou Art") and the other happened to be the hymn I sang at the funeral ("Our Savior's Love"). I was a tearful mess. So, I sat outside of the Sunday school room and tried to dry my tears and ended up receiving a TON of hugs from various sisters as they passed me on their way to class. Lots of understanding from sisters who had lost their own parent. A really good talk and more hugs from another sister.

Missing my dad terribly, missing what he will be missing out on (or rather what I'll be missing out on by not being able to witness him see exciting or even mundane things happening in our family). I know in my heart that he'll be able to see Chloe's soccer games, Jared and Chloe's school program about Utah, Jared receiving his Arrow of Light, Mom and I singing in their sacrament meeting after she is healed from her back surgery. But, it will be tough not seeing him enjoy it, KWIM?

I'll be ok. I know this is all normal. Just another stage of grief I'm going through.