Love and Family.....

Well, I've been through all of the stages of grief, several times over the last few weeks. Dad's funeral was on Saturday the 10th. I made it. I sang "Our Savior's Love" with a voice that had been recovering from something close to laryngitis. The only thing was I kind of "squeaked" when I hit the D and the E. But, it was ok. I'm glad I didn't sing my mom's choice of songs---"O My Father" and "I Know That My Redeemer Lives". She put those on the program and I definitely cried through those. Couldn't have sung those as a solo.

My brother gave a talk about our dad's life and what he did for us and others. The 3 oldest grandkids (J and C included) all gave talks about their memories of Grampa. The oldest also gave his little sister's memories. So, so sweet. The two boys, J who is 10 and my brother's oldest, K who is 11, seemed to stand vigil around Grampa's casket. They were always together and they were always right there during the final viewing before the funeral and at the cemetery. My mom noticed how they were hanging out there, too. It was just sweet to watch them.

The graveside service was beautiful. My dad served in the National Guard and was active to quell the riots in Detroit in '67 (I think that was the year). That made him eligible for military rites--21 gun salute, Taps, flag on his casket that was presented to my mom. Very, very cool to watch. My husband dedicated his grave. It was very emotional for him, but he did a wonderful job.

It was neat seeing family friends that I haven't seen in ages, but it made me so sad--especially when this one couple came because they had just returned home from their mission 4 days after my dad died. They were really, really close to my parents when we lived in Michigan and had only been in Utah a few years before they left on their mission.

What was really neat was having all of my cousins in my mom's living room at the same time after the funeral and luncheon. I have six first cousins....2 on Dad's side, and 4 on Mom's. It was so wonderful visiting with them. Three aunts and two uncles were also there. I loved talking with them and having them get to know my kids better.

Only my immediate family are members of the Church--parents, brother and his family and my family. I wonder what my relatives thought of the funeral? LDS funerals are sooooo different than funerals in other churches.

I think I'm doing ok....I can't believe how much I'm going to miss my dad. It's hardest at night, but sometimes when I'm having a hard time, his smiling face just pops up in my mind. One time, I even imagined how his voice sounded as he would give me a father's blessing. That is pretty comforting.

The biggest thing I'm worried about is my mom. How she's (or "we're") going to figure out the finances. How she's going to take care of the house while I'm at school. I'm grateful for my brother and his wife because they are close--only about 10-15 minutes away. They'll probably be doing a lot of the work. I'll be able to help during the summers though.

Something I though of recently...the other day a huge plane filled with leaders from Poland crashed a few days ago. My dad is of Polish heritage. I wonder if he'll be one of the missionaries that gets to teach those people? It seemed like he was in quite a hurry to get there. Maybe that's one of the reasons.

This is so hard!

I am really having a hard time with this. I feel like I need to see a counselor or something. I feel so debilitated by my grief. Is this normal? I have no idea. My heart is so, so broken. It hurts. Maybe part of it is the fact that I feel the burden now of taking care of my mom (she has severe back problems and she was supposed to have surgery next week to have some vertebrae fused). My brother and his wife are closer distance-wise than I am. But as the oldest, I think that is why I'm feeling the burden.

I told my mom that I wanted to sing, but she was hoping that I'd give a talk. I don't think I could get through a talk, but somehow I think I can get through a song?? I can't even thing of what song I want to sing.